Friday, June 25, 2021

apartments 1

 He receives a phone call and sees it is Joe and answers it.

“Hey,” they say to each other.

“Can you guys do four apartment buildings?” Joe asks.

“I mean, what’s the timeframe?”

“Friday. Next Friday. By seven at night.”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to [the other guy].”

They hang up and he calls the other guy and they talk about it and decide to sleep on it and then talk about it the next day. They agree they can do half the buildings, two.

“It’s like, a lot of work,” the other guy says.

“Yeah, like an extra forty hours, I think, for each of us,” he says.

He goes to the campus and tells the maintenance people what he will need and talks to a girl in the break room who says, “I thought I would have until 11 to prepare it.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s fine. Joe just told me to come by before 11. If you want to drop it off in one of the buildings whenever, that’s fine,” he says.

He goes back to his car and writes a text to the other guy about how funny it is to him that Joe wanted him there before 11 to get supplies because “the girls leave at 11” but the girls were planning on setting it up by 11 get so he just wasted his time. He had woken earlier than usual to be there before 11.

“Classic Joe,” the other guy texts.

They start cleaning the apartments at noon.

Friday, April 30, 2021


“The floors are sticky in ER,” he says.

“Fuck,” the other guy says.

“Yeah,” he says. “They’re not like terrible but they’re pretty obviously sticky.”

“I’ll mop them.”

“Just seems like such a fucking waste of time to have to mop the floors the next night. Like it’s a huge time sink and I don’t think it leaves the bathroom any cleaner than just cleaning them by hand.”

“Yep. That’s the thing,” the other guy says. “I think if you have a super expensive tool for cleaning you probably shouldn’t have to fucking clean up after it.”

“We could tell Joe we don’t want to use it,” he says.

“Yeah,” the other guy says.

“But I also feel like he’ll be bummed out because he spent a ton of money on it.”

The other guy laughs.

“We can just keep making floors sticky so he feels like it was a smart purchase.

He laughs.

Friday, April 23, 2021


“If you’re not up in five seconds you can draw yourself a new job,” he says to the other guy who is drawing on a sketchpad.

The other guy says, “Heh. That’s funny.”

“If you’re not up in five seconds you can draw yourself a new job,” he says a few nights later and the other guy laughs again.

He is sitting staring at his phone when the other guy rounds the corner and says to him, “If you’re not up in five seconds you can tweet yourself a new job.”

“Nice,” he says.

“It would be funny if they got more syntactically insane over time,” he says.

“If you don’t have a new job in five seconds you can find yourself a new job a new job,” the other guy says.

They both laugh.

Friday, April 9, 2021


“Do you wear watches?” his friend from the Internet asks. “If so I got one I can send you. Trying to get rid of a couple.”

“Seriously?” he asks.

“Yeah it’s nothing fancy,” his friend from the Internet says. “Just an extraneous Timex.”

“I never have but you bet your ass I’d wear a [friend from the Internet] exclusive watch,” he says.

“Haha,” his friend from the Internet says. “You must send a wrist shot immediately upon arrival.”

“Oh I absolutely will,” he says. “If my gf can help, I will sit on the hood of my Benz and send you a picture.”

“You actually drive a Mercedes Benz?”

“Absolutely. I actually drive two.”

Friday, April 2, 2021


He parks in front of the gas station and gets out and walks in and walks straight to the cooler with the water and Gatorade.

“Wear a mask!” a lady shouts.

He turns around.

“I’m joking,” she says and he cannot determine if she was joking all along or if she is just joking now or if she is for some reason afraid of him.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says.

“No. No, it’s fine,” she says. She has a mask but it is only covering her chin.

“I have one in my car,” he says. “I can go get it if you’d like.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she says again. She pays for her soda and her chips and she leaves.

He picks out a Fiji water and a lemon-lime Gatorade Zero and goes to the counter and pays the cashier who is also not wearing a mask.

Friday, March 26, 2021


The other guy pushes a mop and bucket across the carpeted floor towards the mop closet. He carefully lifts the bucket with his foot beneath it, allowing the front wheels to hop over the vacuum cord on the floor.

“Mop kickflip,” the other guy says.

“Mop ollie,” he says.

“Mop ollie. Is it okay if – god that would be pretty ugly, a mop kickflip,” the other guy says.

“Do you think you’ll ever get to the end of that sentence?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Can we stop by my house so I can check on my chili? It’s in the instant pot,” the other guy says.

Thursday, March 18, 2021


“You want to just head to the college now?” the other guy jokes.

“Hell yeah,” he says.

“We’ll just like sweep everyone out of the buildings,” he adds.

“Yeah. All right, welp, time to get the fuck out, we got janitoring to do,” the other guy says.

“We could just become the type of janitors who kick students out everywhere,” he says.

“Like, ‘this Kaivac ain’t just for hosing floors,” the other guy adds.

He laughs.

“Everything I know about cleaning I learned from America’s most prolific mass murderer,” the other guy says.

apartments 1

  He receives a phone call and sees it is Joe and answers it. “Hey,” they say to each other. “Can you guys do four apartment buildings?”...