kaivac

“The floors are sticky in ER,” he says.

“Fuck,” the other guy says.

“Yeah,” he says. “They’re not like terrible but they’re pretty obviously sticky.”

“I’ll mop them.”

“Just seems like such a fucking waste of time to have to mop the floors the next night. Like it’s a huge time sink and I don’t think it leaves the bathroom any cleaner than just cleaning them by hand.”

“Yep. That’s the thing,” the other guy says. “I think if you have a super expensive tool for cleaning you probably shouldn’t have to fucking clean up after it.”

“We could tell Joe we don’t want to use it,” he says.

“Yeah,” the other guy says.

“But I also feel like he’ll be bummed out because he spent a ton of money on it.”

The other guy laughs.

“We can just keep making floors sticky so he feels like it was a smart purchase.

He laughs.

job

“If you’re not up in five seconds you can draw yourself a new job,” he says to the other guy who is drawing on a sketchpad.

The other guy says, “Heh. That’s funny.”

“If you’re not up in five seconds you can draw yourself a new job,” he says a few nights later and the other guy laughs again.

He is sitting staring at his phone when the other guy rounds the corner and says to him, “If you’re not up in five seconds you can tweet yourself a new job.”

“Nice,” he says.

“It would be funny if they got more syntactically insane over time,” he says.

“If you don’t have a new job in five seconds you can find yourself a new job a new job,” the other guy says.

They both laugh.

watch

“Do you wear watches?” his friend from the Internet asks. “If so I got one I can send you. Trying to get rid of a couple.”

“Seriously?” he asks.

“Yeah it’s nothing fancy,” his friend from the Internet says. “Just an extraneous Timex.”

“I never have but you bet your ass I’d wear a [friend from the Internet] exclusive watch,” he says.

“Haha,” his friend from the Internet says. “You must send a wrist shot immediately upon arrival.”

“Oh I absolutely will,” he says. “If my gf can help, I will sit on the hood of my Benz and send you a picture.”

“You actually drive a Mercedes Benz?”

“Absolutely. I actually drive two.”

mask

He parks in front of the gas station and gets out and walks in and walks straight to the cooler with the water and Gatorade.

“Wear a mask!” a lady shouts.

He turns around.

“I’m joking,” she says and he cannot determine if she was joking all along or if she is just joking now or if she is for some reason afraid of him.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says.

“No. No, it’s fine,” she says. She has a mask but it is only covering her chin.

“I have one in my car,” he says. “I can go get it if you’d like.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she says again. She pays for her soda and her chips and she leaves.

He picks out a Fiji water and a lemon-lime Gatorade Zero and goes to the counter and pays the cashier who is also not wearing a mask.